Uncle Sam is the Man

The government's reputation for incompetence is so deeply ingrained within us that it's become cliche. My recent experience with the Nigerian government serves as a stark reminder of how good we really have it.

As I've previously complained, I am currently stuck in South Africa after overnighting my passport to the Nigerian embassy in Washington about two weeks ago for an "expedited" business visa. Since then, the embassy hasn't even answered their phone, much less the series of messages I've left for them.

This came after the experience with the Nigerian consulate here in Johannesburg. After our connection there told us he would be able to secure us a visa, we arrive, wait for over an hour for someone to help us ("business hours" are apparently rough approximations for when they will be working), are told we will receive the visas that day, then are told we have to apply in our home countries, it is implied a "special circumstances" payment will grease the wheels ("if we want to discuss this matter further, we have to do it in my office upstairs"), then our negotiator is told the official is insulted because as a senior official, he doesn't take bribes (aka. we didn't have enough cash).

So, off to Washington goes my passport, along with an "expedite" fee, both of which remain in Washington, as far as anyone can tell.

After a week of beating our respective heads against the Nigerian wall, I decided to start raising hell with the Nigerian immigration service and see if the US State Department could do anything to help me. At this point I am ready to just skip the Nigerian assessment and go straight to Bangladesh. (I made sure to inform the Nigerians that the purpose of my trip was to assess whether or not my client should make a nearly $10M investment in their country.)

Surprisingly, the Nigerians have yet to respond.

However, the State Department responded to my enquiry literally within hours, despite it being submitted on a federal holiday. They informed me that there are policies in place for precisely these sorts of situations - if another government is causing an "undue delay" to travel plans because of excessive processing times for things like visas, the local Consulate will issue me a second passport that is valid for two years.

(Another situation covered is that in which certain governments will not allow entry to a person who has in their passport a visa from certain blacklisted countries. For example, Iran, Iraq, Egypt, Syria, and Lebanon - also known as Syria Lite - will not allow you to enter their country if you have a visa / entry stamp from Israel in your passport.)

I talked to the Consulate this morning to find out how long it would take to have a second passport issued, fully expecting it to take two to three days.

Me: "So how long would it take to get the new passport."

Consulate: "About 45 minutes."

"For what?"

"The passport."

"You mean the application?"

"Yeah. It might take an hour."

"And when would the passport be ready?"

"Forty five minutes to an hour. We print it right here."

"Are you serious? I come in and will have a new passport in an hour??"

"Yes, just go online and make an appointment."

So, the moral of the story is that at least compared to highly-corrupt, third-world governments, ours is pretty awesome.

(Fun fact: Uncle Sam was actually a real guy named Samuel Wilson from New York.  During the War of 1812, he supplied the US Army with dried meat in barrels stamped with "US", which obviously stood for United States, but soldiers called it meat from "Uncle Sam", a dual reference to the army and Sam, which eventually became synonymous with the US government.  Thankfully, "Brother Jonathan" and "Columbia" never really caught on.  The character Uncle Sam was partly inspired by John Bull, the personification of Britain.)